hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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