My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i think i have herpe
just one?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
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