You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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