His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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