i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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