pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
