apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I need water and some morals
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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