Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize