Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
