I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
