ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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