you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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