I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize