I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize