it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize