the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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