I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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