i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
