I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
