I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
