Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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