i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
