Is it because I queefed?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Randomize
