In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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