I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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