My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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