how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I touched a dick in church today
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
