Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
