Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize