i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
