Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
