is your mom at the bar?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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