My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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