drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
