my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
