DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
