I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
