I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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