I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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