Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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