the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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