I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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