planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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