You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
