Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
