You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize