you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
