party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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