I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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