I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
