I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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