Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
