You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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