I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize