You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
