My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
