Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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