he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
