okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
