i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
