Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
